I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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