I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
