I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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