It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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