I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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