overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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