You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
