I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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