I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
