Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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