I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
