I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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