Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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