I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
