Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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