my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
