When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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