i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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