i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
