textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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