I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
