you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
