I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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