Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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