Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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