2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
As shirtless as possible
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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