watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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