she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
