I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
