i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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