I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
no you cant smoke seaweed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
