My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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