Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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