I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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