My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
