Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
