I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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