Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
