I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
