when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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