cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
