dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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