Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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