i already hear my dad disowning me
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
