Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
