so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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