ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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