When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
