You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
