did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
