I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
