btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
