I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
