my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.