Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Life is so much better after having sex.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.