i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
