saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The feeling are messing with the penis
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
