I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
