Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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